Grieving...

Today I am broken. I am grieving. I am hurting deeply. There are no winners here. The case is in the hands of the jury and no matter what happens there are no winners. The only potential winners are those who are potentially being saved from a very abusive man.

I sat in the court room and listened to people who should have loved and protected me lie on the stand. I'm not angry. I'm sad. So very sad. I fear that I will never again be able to have a relationship with the mother I still love. Yes, she has repeatedly chosen an incredibly abusive man over me, and as a mom there is NO part of me that understands or justifies that in any way, but she is still my mom, and I will always love her.

When someone chooses to abuse another person they don't just hurt that person. Daniel, in abusing my brother and myself, not only hurt us, but many others too. He took away my mother from me. He took away a grandmother from my children. He caused great rifts within the family. It is heartbreaking.

Your choices will have so much greater impact than you even know. Please love your children. Protect them!!! And God forbid something happen and someone hurts someone you love, PLEASE help bring the abuser to justice as fast as possible.

Trial 2 Take 2

A week from today we go back to trial. The last one ended in a mistrial. I'm really ready for all of this to be over!

It seems like each time I have to go back to trial, or I face something big in life God brings along a song that really speaks to me at a very deep level. This time is no different. So I thought I'd share the song that has been my anthem of late! Hope it encourages you as much as it does me!

Why do I write?

I have been asked why I choose to write and share my story and share my struggles. There are several reasons why I choose to write and share.

1. I choose to write because I remember how alone I felt in my darkest hours. I remember feeling like no one else could possibly understand my pain. I hope I can help someone know they are not alone through sharing my heartache.
2. I choose to write because light must be shone in the dark places. Until people are willing to talk about the bad things and bring to light how damaging abuse is nothing is going to change. I must be a voice speaking light into the darkness. 
3. I want my life story to help other people. That can happen best if I'm transparent and acknowledge that sometimes working through the messiness of life is tough, but we can all help each other through it!
4. HOPE!!!! Sometimes all you need is a glimpse of hope to keep going. I believe seeing how God has done such amazing things throughout the nasty parts of my life will bring hope to others going through their own junk. My desire is to speak life and hope to others!

I guess that's what it all boils down to...HOPE! I want people to know that there is hope for healing after extreme abuse. There is hope that life can get better! I want others to catch even just a glimpse of the hope so they can keep going through life's struggles. 

Sadness

I know I haven't blogged in quite a while. My goal is to get started again. Today my heart is breaking for a sweet 13 year old who was raped and impregnated by a close family member who was a pastor. There just aren't words to express the grief I feel for this child who is undoubtedly experiencing such horrific mental trauma at this point. I decided to write a letter to her. A dear friend of mine asked me to post that letter here, so here it is...

Dear Sweet Child of God,

                I wanted to write you a note to encourage you, to let you know that you are not alone, and to let you know that people who you have never met are thinking about you and praying for you, and already love you.

                Please allow me to introduce myself. My name is Tina. I too was raped as a child and got pregnant from that rape and had to give my baby up for adoption. I tell you this to help you to know that you truly are not alone. I remember feeling so very alone and like no one could possibly understand the emotions and the pain that I was going through.

                What I know to be true is that rape is NEVER the fault of the victim! I also know that it is ok to cry, the pain is very real. The daughter I gave up for adoption is now 16 and I can honestly tell you God has held true to His promises and has never left me or forsaken me. He has lovingly been with me even at my very lowest points. I know He will be there for you too!

                If you ever want to talk I’d be more than happy to listen.

Please know that you are loved!

Tina 

Is a Broken Heart Worth the Cost?

My heart hurts. We received news recently that my husband and I have been subpoenaed to go back to New Hampshire for another trial. This time they are prosecuting my mother's husband for sexual abuse. He is already a convicted felon and a convicted sex offender. Unfortunately, he decided not to take the plea bargain.

I really have no desire to go through the whole trial process again. I would much rather be home with my children. BUT I know that this is right. So many studies have shown that most sex offenders do not change and will re-offend. If my testimony can help prevent even one child from being hurt, then to me it is worth the pain that is inevitably coming.

So why does my heart hurt so much? It hurts more for my mother than anything else. She is still with this offender. I know that she hasn't spoken to me in years, and has hurt me often, but I still love her. I hate to think that she would believe that in some way I'm trying to hurt her.

What I'm trying to remind myself is that ultimately my cooperation with the police and the prosecutor isn't what caused the pain for her. Her husband has continually made choices to be abusive and manipulative and his actions are really the source of the pain.

I would appreciate everyone's prayers as we walk yet another tough road.

Feeling helpless...

I'll be honest, the past few days have been excruciating! My baby girl is in the hospital and really struggling significantly. I'm exhausted physically and emotionally. My heart hurts. I feel helpless because I can't make everything better. I HATE that feeling.

So with lots of time on my hands while in the hospital with my sweet baby girl I have done a lot of thinking. So many times I have heard and even said something like: "You don't realize the blessing of a healthy child till you have one that isn't".

Seriously, what was I thinking? Yes, it is a blessing to have healthy children, but that doesn't mean that those with challenges aren't a blessing. My sweet baby girl has been through so very much, and yet she brings so much joy to those around her. She teaches me things all the time. She very rarely complains about all of the stuff that she has to endure. So often we complain about little things (for me it is drivers who annoy me), and she pushes on through the pain complaining so little about it that most people would never know she has anything wrong with her.

So while my heart aches, and I wish I could take away her pain I'm so grateful for what an amazing gift I have been given in my precious girl!

Yet another surgery....

We had hoped after the last update that our sweet girl would have a break from surgeries and hospitals. Unfortunately, that is not the case. I'm posting an update here so friends and family can know what is going on and can pray.

Over the last few days we noticed that our youngest wasn't acting quite right. She was having a lot of headaches and was tired and had a few other things that just weren't quite right. Tuesday morning I was snuggling with her and I noticed that she had another fluid filled lump on the back of her neck under her incision line. This means that she has yet another spinal fluid leak. I immediately called the surgeon who worked us in the same day. He scheduled surgery for the very next day and sent her for an MRI. We were getting everything set up for her to have surgery again when his nurse called us to say that after looking at her MRI the surgeon had determined that the surgery he was going to do the next morning was too dangerous. They then scheduled an appointment for today and surgery for Monday.

Today we went and met with the surgeon. It is really hard to condense all that he said. After a lot of discussion and looking through current and past MRI's the surgeon has come to the conclusion that he has to remove her cerebellar tonsils (the bottom of her cerebellum). He said that this section of the brain controls nausea and balance, and that after a few days there are other parts of her brain that will take over these functions so she can return to normal. They will also have to place another drain, but he isn't sure where he is going to place it at this point. She will be in the hospital for 10 - 14 days this time depending on how she does.

Needless to say, thoughts and prayers are greatly appreciated! There is obviously far more to what is going on than what I was able to include in this post, but it should give a general idea of what is going on in our little world.