Trial 2 Part 2

Day one of the trial opened with a detective on the stand first, and then I took the stand. I was FAR more nervous than I had ever been taking the stand (other than when I was a young child) because the last time this case went to trial it ended in a mistrial because of me. I was asked by the prosecutor: "Did your mother ever intervene when Daniel was physically abusing you?" I simply responded: "Only one time and Daniel pushed her down and she fell and broke her wrist.". The defense attorneys contended that this painted Daniel and my mother (because she chose to stay with him) in too bad of a light and that it would bias the jury against him. Therefore a mistrial was declared.

I was far more careful to simply answer questions and not elaborate or share details unless specifically asked to during this trial.  It is always hard to share painful details of your past and have to re-live those times. Thankfully, I was able to make it through my testimony without causing another mistrial!

Other than testifying one of the hardest parts of the trial was listening to my mother get on the stand and lie about me. While I love her it became painfully clear that she only cares for herself and Daniel. As a mom I simply can't understand how she can make the choices that she has made. I know Daniel is a master manipulator, but it breaks my heart that he has been able to manipulate her into choosing him over her own children. She knows who he is and what he has done (he admitted it to her), and yet she defends him and lies about me. There just aren't words to express the heartbreak that her choices cause.

Chuck Phelps was once again subpoenaed and had to testify. The trial was put on hold for several hours because he failed to make it to court on time even though the state of NH had paid for him to fly in for the trial. His testimony directly contradicted the testimony of several police officers, a former youth staff volunteer from Trinity Baptist Church, and a DCYF (division for children and family services) worker.

Many others including my own husband testified. When the prosecution rested the defense pulled a dirty, underhanded move. They literally had NO defense, not one single witness. Their entire strategy of defense was to try to get the case thrown out on a minor technicality in the laws at the time the crime was committed. These kind of technicalities are supposed to be brought up before a case ever goes to trial so that the charges can be amended if necessary.

Based on the actions of the defense, after looking at case law and hearing arguments the judge allowed the jury to deliberate on what would be the amended charges. The jury deliberated and returned a guilty verdict on both counts. While I was relieved at the verdict, I knew that the case wasn't really over because we weren't sure if the amended charges would stick or whether we would have to go back to the grand jury for another indictment and go back to trial all over again.

Trial 2 Part 1

In many ways this trial was completely different, and much harder than the other trial was. I think in many ways it can be much more emotionally difficult when you are testifying against an abuser who is either a part of your family, or has very close ties to your family.

In this trial I testified against my step father who is still married to my mother. While his actions are no less heinous, and in fact may be even more heinous than those of Ernie Willis in some ways, I felt conflicting feelings about being willing to cooperate with this investigation. The knowledge that I was speaking truth didn't make it any easier emotionally. While I have no attachment whatsoever to Daniel, he is still married to my mother. And even though she refuses to have any contact with me because she thinks I have been wrong to testify against my abusers, I will still always love her.

For me the decision to cooperate with law enforcement was not based on any kind of anger, resentment, or desire for revenge. I ultimately decided to cooperate because I know the stats about those who re-offend. I've researched enough to know that most people who would hurt a child would hurt many and not just one. With this knowledge I felt it was important to protect other potential victims from the men who abused me.

Ultimately the choice to report or to cooperate with law enforcement has to be the choice of the victim. The legal process is exhausting, long, unfair to victims, and often traumatizing. Getting justice in this country is far from easy. If I hadn't been fully convinced that this was the right thing to do, I may have given up long ago.

Dear Younger Me...

For quite a while I have been mulling around doing a series of posts about the last trial. I have decided to start that sometime this week. I have put it off because I know it will be a tough series to write. But, I do believe that now is the time.

Today our family was blessed to be able to go to a GCU basketball game and then a Mercy Me concert after the game (Thanks HopeKids!). Their lead singer, Bart Millard, has a story of abuse that has similarities to mine, and has a heart of gold from what I could see. Anyway, one of the songs that he sung tonight really resonated with me, especially with the series of posts that are coming up.

If I could go back and talk to my "younger me" what would I say? There are so many things that I could think of, but the words of the song really resonated with me, so I will share those. I hope that this will encourage you and remind you of truths the way it did me!

If I knew then what I know now
Condemnation would’ve had no power
My joy my pain would’ve never been my worth
If I knew then what I know now
Would’ve not been hard to figure out
What I would’ve changed if I had heard

Dear younger me
It’s not your fault
You were never meant to carry this beyond the cross
Dear younger me

You are holy
You are righteous
You are one of the redeemed
Set apart a brand new heart
You are free indeed

Here's to 12 years and hopefully many more!

Tomorrow my handsome man and I celebrate 12 years of marriage. I can not even begin to express just how grateful I am to have him! He is a great husband and an amazing father! All of us are better people because we have him!

Tim has chosen to stick by me, support me, love me, and encourage me over the last 12 years even when things were so very difficult. I don't know if I could have made it through the last 4 years without him. When I'm ready to give up he always helps me to get through the struggles. He is steady like a rock (sometimes this drives me crazy), and this helps me because I'm far more emotional. He often helps me to see things from a very different perspective. I'm so glad to have him by my side! We truly are better as a team!

Anyone who knows me knows that music speaks to me in a way that very little else does. I have picked a song to be my husband's ringtone on my phone when he calls because it reminds me so much of him and how he is always right there to love and encourage me. I thought I'd share that song with you all!

Christmas struggles.

Let's get real. Let's be honest. Christmas, and in fact the entire holiday season is a tough time for many people. During this season that is supposed to be full of joy many are often deeply grieving due to great loss. Especially those who have gone through serious trauma.

If I were to be honest that is where I am this year. I have so much to be grateful for, and I truly am grateful for my family and all of the blessings we have. I have been blessed beyond measure, but having a grateful heart for those blessings doesn't take away the pain.

Sometimes when an abuse victim decides to do what is right and works with law enforcement to see justice so that others are protected they lose much. I have lost so much during the process of prosecuting my abusers. To some this may sound odd, but I still grieve the loss of the relationship with my mom. It was gut wrenching to hear her get on the stand once again and side with my abuser over me. The memory is so fresh. The loss and the grief are poignant.

I guess I write all of this not because I want pity (most victims do not), but because if I am real maybe, just maybe it will help you understand someone else who is struggling this holiday season. If you are struggling know that you are not alone! We can all get through this together!

So today I'm going to focus on the things I have to be thankful for. For some reason this song just keeps playing over and over in my head, so I thought I'd share. Don't lose hope! We can be the change that this world needs! There is always something to be thankful for!

Grieving...

Today I am broken. I am grieving. I am hurting deeply. There are no winners here. The case is in the hands of the jury and no matter what happens there are no winners. The only potential winners are those who are potentially being saved from a very abusive man.

I sat in the court room and listened to people who should have loved and protected me lie on the stand. I'm not angry. I'm sad. So very sad. I fear that I will never again be able to have a relationship with the mother I still love. Yes, she has repeatedly chosen an incredibly abusive man over me, and as a mom there is NO part of me that understands or justifies that in any way, but she is still my mom, and I will always love her.

When someone chooses to abuse another person they don't just hurt that person. Daniel, in abusing my brother and myself, not only hurt us, but many others too. He took away my mother from me. He took away a grandmother from my children. He caused great rifts within the family. It is heartbreaking.

Your choices will have so much greater impact than you even know. Please love your children. Protect them!!! And God forbid something happen and someone hurts someone you love, PLEASE help bring the abuser to justice as fast as possible.

Trial 2 Take 2

A week from today we go back to trial. The last one ended in a mistrial. I'm really ready for all of this to be over!

It seems like each time I have to go back to trial, or I face something big in life God brings along a song that really speaks to me at a very deep level. This time is no different. So I thought I'd share the song that has been my anthem of late! Hope it encourages you as much as it does me!