Wrestling...

I'm so thankful that I serve a God who loves me unconditionally and is big enough to"take it" when I get frustrated and question Him. I must admit I don't understand everything He does, (not even most of it to be honest) and that's ok, but sometimes that leads to frustration.

In the last few weeks I was really in a rough place. Quite honestly I was frustrated with God and wanted Him to act in my time (aka...heal my baby girl NOW!) I was tired of being patient, tired of doctors, bills, sickness, sleepless nights, and watching my baby girl suffer. I think if we are honest we all have these times where we wrestle with God. Jacob did in the Bible, and even Jesus did in this passage. It really is ok to wrestle with God when you don't understand. I think that when we do this is when we come to know Him, love Him, and trust Him more.

We go through "seasons" in our lives. It is important to know that the season you are in won't last forever. The tough times come and we don't see that there is a way out or that they will ever end. Don't believe that! Don't lose hope! God is there with you and He will see you through the tough times.

While our circumstances haven't really changed in the last couple of weeks I feel like I'm in a very different place today spiritually and emotionally than I was in my last post. I still do not understand, but I'm choosing to trust that God will completely and totally heal my baby girl in His time. This song really captures where I am right at this moment.

Frustration and Discouragement

I admit it...I'm frustrated and discouraged. I'm tired and ready for answers. I know God can heal my baby girl, and don't understand why He hasn't chosen to do so yet. I don't understand how one child can have so many rare things going on in their little body. I know there has to be a root cause for all of the stuff my little girl is going through, but we haven't been able to find it so far...I hate seeing her struggle to breathe, and I'm so tired and wish she could sleep through the night. The medical bills continue to pile up, and although it's neat to see how God provides I'm really tired of fighting with the insurance company to cover what she needs, and the stack of to be paid can be discouraging.

In the last few days we have found that on top of all her other medical issues she is aspirating food particles which are turning into fat inside her lungs (this only serves to complicate her breathing issues). She also needs IVIG treatments which our insurance company is notorious for denying. We are hoping she will get them approved and that she can do the Subq (we can do it from home) because if not it means that we have to get a port put in her chest so they can access her veins when we go to the hospital for treatments. She is also getting sick again and that means she is sleeping even worse than normal (she has only been off antibiotics about a week). As a mom it is really hard to see your child suffer. I just want her to be well!

It's been quite a while since I have been this discouraged. I feel like I'm once again asking God what He is doing. I know He has us in the palm of His hand and that everything is going to work out, I just need to be patient (not one of my better qualities). Please join me in praying for my little girl! We need favor with the insurance company so she can get the treatment that she needs! We need answers on how to help her! We need to find the root cause of what is going on! I really desire to see complete healing in her little body and I KNOW that God can do it!

Love

Lately we have had so much stuff going on in our family that I have had to choose to focus on the good and choose to see God's hand leading, guiding, and protecting even when it is hard. Between our youngest daughter's continued health issues (we just found ANOTHER rare condition) and the drama of the possibility of another trial in New Hampshire along with life in general it can be easy to get overwhelmed.

Last night as I was laying in bed I decided to read in Psalms (LOVE having You Version on my phone) and I came across Psalm 136. Over and over again, in fact at the end of each verse, it states "for His steadfast love endures forever". It can be easy to just skip past something, especially when it is repetitive, but I think this phrase is repeated again and again for a reason. The passage talks about all kinds of things, both good and bad, and after each thing it says "for His steadfast love endures forever". To me this is such a good reminder that as I walk through this journey of life no matter what happens God's love will always be there! I hope this encourages you as much as it has me!