Here's to 12 years and hopefully many more!

Tomorrow my handsome man and I celebrate 12 years of marriage. I can not even begin to express just how grateful I am to have him! He is a great husband and an amazing father! All of us are better people because we have him!

Tim has chosen to stick by me, support me, love me, and encourage me over the last 12 years even when things were so very difficult. I don't know if I could have made it through the last 4 years without him. When I'm ready to give up he always helps me to get through the struggles. He is steady like a rock (sometimes this drives me crazy), and this helps me because I'm far more emotional. He often helps me to see things from a very different perspective. I'm so glad to have him by my side! We truly are better as a team!

Anyone who knows me knows that music speaks to me in a way that very little else does. I have picked a song to be my husband's ringtone on my phone when he calls because it reminds me so much of him and how he is always right there to love and encourage me. I thought I'd share that song with you all!

Christmas struggles.

Let's get real. Let's be honest. Christmas, and in fact the entire holiday season is a tough time for many people. During this season that is supposed to be full of joy many are often deeply grieving due to great loss. Especially those who have gone through serious trauma.

If I were to be honest that is where I am this year. I have so much to be grateful for, and I truly am grateful for my family and all of the blessings we have. I have been blessed beyond measure, but having a grateful heart for those blessings doesn't take away the pain.

Sometimes when an abuse victim decides to do what is right and works with law enforcement to see justice so that others are protected they lose much. I have lost so much during the process of prosecuting my abusers. To some this may sound odd, but I still grieve the loss of the relationship with my mom. It was gut wrenching to hear her get on the stand once again and side with my abuser over me. The memory is so fresh. The loss and the grief are poignant.

I guess I write all of this not because I want pity (most victims do not), but because if I am real maybe, just maybe it will help you understand someone else who is struggling this holiday season. If you are struggling know that you are not alone! We can all get through this together!

So today I'm going to focus on the things I have to be thankful for. For some reason this song just keeps playing over and over in my head, so I thought I'd share. Don't lose hope! We can be the change that this world needs! There is always something to be thankful for!

Grieving...

Today I am broken. I am grieving. I am hurting deeply. There are no winners here. The case is in the hands of the jury and no matter what happens there are no winners. The only potential winners are those who are potentially being saved from a very abusive man.

I sat in the court room and listened to people who should have loved and protected me lie on the stand. I'm not angry. I'm sad. So very sad. I fear that I will never again be able to have a relationship with the mother I still love. Yes, she has repeatedly chosen an incredibly abusive man over me, and as a mom there is NO part of me that understands or justifies that in any way, but she is still my mom, and I will always love her.

When someone chooses to abuse another person they don't just hurt that person. Daniel, in abusing my brother and myself, not only hurt us, but many others too. He took away my mother from me. He took away a grandmother from my children. He caused great rifts within the family. It is heartbreaking.

Your choices will have so much greater impact than you even know. Please love your children. Protect them!!! And God forbid something happen and someone hurts someone you love, PLEASE help bring the abuser to justice as fast as possible.

Trial 2 Take 2

A week from today we go back to trial. The last one ended in a mistrial. I'm really ready for all of this to be over!

It seems like each time I have to go back to trial, or I face something big in life God brings along a song that really speaks to me at a very deep level. This time is no different. So I thought I'd share the song that has been my anthem of late! Hope it encourages you as much as it does me!

Why do I write?

I have been asked why I choose to write and share my story and share my struggles. There are several reasons why I choose to write and share.

1. I choose to write because I remember how alone I felt in my darkest hours. I remember feeling like no one else could possibly understand my pain. I hope I can help someone know they are not alone through sharing my heartache.
2. I choose to write because light must be shone in the dark places. Until people are willing to talk about the bad things and bring to light how damaging abuse is nothing is going to change. I must be a voice speaking light into the darkness. 
3. I want my life story to help other people. That can happen best if I'm transparent and acknowledge that sometimes working through the messiness of life is tough, but we can all help each other through it!
4. HOPE!!!! Sometimes all you need is a glimpse of hope to keep going. I believe seeing how God has done such amazing things throughout the nasty parts of my life will bring hope to others going through their own junk. My desire is to speak life and hope to others!

I guess that's what it all boils down to...HOPE! I want people to know that there is hope for healing after extreme abuse. There is hope that life can get better! I want others to catch even just a glimpse of the hope so they can keep going through life's struggles. 

Sadness

I know I haven't blogged in quite a while. My goal is to get started again. Today my heart is breaking for a sweet 13 year old who was raped and impregnated by a close family member who was a pastor. There just aren't words to express the grief I feel for this child who is undoubtedly experiencing such horrific mental trauma at this point. I decided to write a letter to her. A dear friend of mine asked me to post that letter here, so here it is...

Dear Sweet Child of God,

                I wanted to write you a note to encourage you, to let you know that you are not alone, and to let you know that people who you have never met are thinking about you and praying for you, and already love you.

                Please allow me to introduce myself. My name is Tina. I too was raped as a child and got pregnant from that rape and had to give my baby up for adoption. I tell you this to help you to know that you truly are not alone. I remember feeling so very alone and like no one could possibly understand the emotions and the pain that I was going through.

                What I know to be true is that rape is NEVER the fault of the victim! I also know that it is ok to cry, the pain is very real. The daughter I gave up for adoption is now 16 and I can honestly tell you God has held true to His promises and has never left me or forsaken me. He has lovingly been with me even at my very lowest points. I know He will be there for you too!

                If you ever want to talk I’d be more than happy to listen.

Please know that you are loved!

Tina 

Is a Broken Heart Worth the Cost?

My heart hurts. We received news recently that my husband and I have been subpoenaed to go back to New Hampshire for another trial. This time they are prosecuting my mother's husband for sexual abuse. He is already a convicted felon and a convicted sex offender. Unfortunately, he decided not to take the plea bargain.

I really have no desire to go through the whole trial process again. I would much rather be home with my children. BUT I know that this is right. So many studies have shown that most sex offenders do not change and will re-offend. If my testimony can help prevent even one child from being hurt, then to me it is worth the pain that is inevitably coming.

So why does my heart hurt so much? It hurts more for my mother than anything else. She is still with this offender. I know that she hasn't spoken to me in years, and has hurt me often, but I still love her. I hate to think that she would believe that in some way I'm trying to hurt her.

What I'm trying to remind myself is that ultimately my cooperation with the police and the prosecutor isn't what caused the pain for her. Her husband has continually made choices to be abusive and manipulative and his actions are really the source of the pain.

I would appreciate everyone's prayers as we walk yet another tough road.