Why do I write?

I have been asked why I choose to write and share my story and share my struggles. There are several reasons why I choose to write and share.

1. I choose to write because I remember how alone I felt in my darkest hours. I remember feeling like no one else could possibly understand my pain. I hope I can help someone know they are not alone through sharing my heartache.
2. I choose to write because light must be shone in the dark places. Until people are willing to talk about the bad things and bring to light how damaging abuse is nothing is going to change. I must be a voice speaking light into the darkness. 
3. I want my life story to help other people. That can happen best if I'm transparent and acknowledge that sometimes working through the messiness of life is tough, but we can all help each other through it!
4. HOPE!!!! Sometimes all you need is a glimpse of hope to keep going. I believe seeing how God has done such amazing things throughout the nasty parts of my life will bring hope to others going through their own junk. My desire is to speak life and hope to others!

I guess that's what it all boils down to...HOPE! I want people to know that there is hope for healing after extreme abuse. There is hope that life can get better! I want others to catch even just a glimpse of the hope so they can keep going through life's struggles. 

Sadness

I know I haven't blogged in quite a while. My goal is to get started again. Today my heart is breaking for a sweet 13 year old who was raped and impregnated by a close family member who was a pastor. There just aren't words to express the grief I feel for this child who is undoubtedly experiencing such horrific mental trauma at this point. I decided to write a letter to her. A dear friend of mine asked me to post that letter here, so here it is...

Dear Sweet Child of God,

                I wanted to write you a note to encourage you, to let you know that you are not alone, and to let you know that people who you have never met are thinking about you and praying for you, and already love you.

                Please allow me to introduce myself. My name is Tina. I too was raped as a child and got pregnant from that rape and had to give my baby up for adoption. I tell you this to help you to know that you truly are not alone. I remember feeling so very alone and like no one could possibly understand the emotions and the pain that I was going through.

                What I know to be true is that rape is NEVER the fault of the victim! I also know that it is ok to cry, the pain is very real. The daughter I gave up for adoption is now 16 and I can honestly tell you God has held true to His promises and has never left me or forsaken me. He has lovingly been with me even at my very lowest points. I know He will be there for you too!

                If you ever want to talk I’d be more than happy to listen.

Please know that you are loved!

Tina 

Is a Broken Heart Worth the Cost?

My heart hurts. We received news recently that my husband and I have been subpoenaed to go back to New Hampshire for another trial. This time they are prosecuting my mother's husband for sexual abuse. He is already a convicted felon and a convicted sex offender. Unfortunately, he decided not to take the plea bargain.

I really have no desire to go through the whole trial process again. I would much rather be home with my children. BUT I know that this is right. So many studies have shown that most sex offenders do not change and will re-offend. If my testimony can help prevent even one child from being hurt, then to me it is worth the pain that is inevitably coming.

So why does my heart hurt so much? It hurts more for my mother than anything else. She is still with this offender. I know that she hasn't spoken to me in years, and has hurt me often, but I still love her. I hate to think that she would believe that in some way I'm trying to hurt her.

What I'm trying to remind myself is that ultimately my cooperation with the police and the prosecutor isn't what caused the pain for her. Her husband has continually made choices to be abusive and manipulative and his actions are really the source of the pain.

I would appreciate everyone's prayers as we walk yet another tough road.

Feeling helpless...

I'll be honest, the past few days have been excruciating! My baby girl is in the hospital and really struggling significantly. I'm exhausted physically and emotionally. My heart hurts. I feel helpless because I can't make everything better. I HATE that feeling.

So with lots of time on my hands while in the hospital with my sweet baby girl I have done a lot of thinking. So many times I have heard and even said something like: "You don't realize the blessing of a healthy child till you have one that isn't".

Seriously, what was I thinking? Yes, it is a blessing to have healthy children, but that doesn't mean that those with challenges aren't a blessing. My sweet baby girl has been through so very much, and yet she brings so much joy to those around her. She teaches me things all the time. She very rarely complains about all of the stuff that she has to endure. So often we complain about little things (for me it is drivers who annoy me), and she pushes on through the pain complaining so little about it that most people would never know she has anything wrong with her.

So while my heart aches, and I wish I could take away her pain I'm so grateful for what an amazing gift I have been given in my precious girl!

Yet another surgery....

We had hoped after the last update that our sweet girl would have a break from surgeries and hospitals. Unfortunately, that is not the case. I'm posting an update here so friends and family can know what is going on and can pray.

Over the last few days we noticed that our youngest wasn't acting quite right. She was having a lot of headaches and was tired and had a few other things that just weren't quite right. Tuesday morning I was snuggling with her and I noticed that she had another fluid filled lump on the back of her neck under her incision line. This means that she has yet another spinal fluid leak. I immediately called the surgeon who worked us in the same day. He scheduled surgery for the very next day and sent her for an MRI. We were getting everything set up for her to have surgery again when his nurse called us to say that after looking at her MRI the surgeon had determined that the surgery he was going to do the next morning was too dangerous. They then scheduled an appointment for today and surgery for Monday.

Today we went and met with the surgeon. It is really hard to condense all that he said. After a lot of discussion and looking through current and past MRI's the surgeon has come to the conclusion that he has to remove her cerebellar tonsils (the bottom of her cerebellum). He said that this section of the brain controls nausea and balance, and that after a few days there are other parts of her brain that will take over these functions so she can return to normal. They will also have to place another drain, but he isn't sure where he is going to place it at this point. She will be in the hospital for 10 - 14 days this time depending on how she does.

Needless to say, thoughts and prayers are greatly appreciated! There is obviously far more to what is going on than what I was able to include in this post, but it should give a general idea of what is going on in our little world.

Update

I have been noticeably absent from writing lately. Things here with our sweet little girl have been pretty rough the last several months, and my focus has been on her. I gave lots of updates when we went to National Jewish Hospital in August, but haven't given many since then, so here is the scoop. 

In October she underwent stomach surgery (Nissen Fundoplication). This was ultimately to help with her breathing issues. Her reflux had gotten so bad that she was aspirating food particles into her lungs which made fat grow in her lungs and made it hard to breathe. 

In November she had to have her 2nd brain surgery (Chiari decompression). She pulled through amazingly well, and we thought we were going to be done for a while at this point. She was sent home from the hospital just before Thanksgiving.

In December we took her to the ER because she had a spinal fluid leak. She ended up in the PICU for several days on IV antibiotics. The incision line healed and we thought the leakage had stopped, so they sent her home. Unfortunately this was not the case. The leakage was just contained inside her body and she started to develop large lumps under the incision site. 

In January she had to go back into surgery to repair the leak. It was during this surgery that we were told she has hydrocephalus and pseudotumor cerebri. The surgeon repaired the leak in the dura (sack around the brain) and placed an external lumbar drain and she was in the PICU for 2 weeks. We were again hoping that this would be the end of her struggles for a while, but it was not.

In February I discovered that she was again starting to build up fluid under the incision line. Within 2 days of calling the surgeon's office to let them know my suspicions she was back in surgery to have a vp shunt placed in her head. Now the excess fluid within her head is drained into her abdomen. 

We are really hoping that our poor sweet girl can get a break from surgeries and hospitals for a while. We really appreciate everyone's thoughts and prayers for our family! We are hoping we can get back into a "normal" routine soon! 

For the days you wish God had skin on...

This post is about as real and raw as it gets. I'm not usually quite this open, but I feel like I'm supposed to share this...

I typically think of myself as a pretty joyful and optimistic person, but lately that has been so tough. Our family has walked through some pretty big stuff with our youngest daughter (In the hospital 5 times in the last 6 months and 3 major surgeries during that time). We have walked through lots of tough stuff before, but for some reason I really struggled far greater this time.

My emotions have been raw. I have felt so very down. I told one of my closest friends "I never understood how someone could have so many great family members and friends and still feel so very alone". Never that is until the last few days. I know that emotions aren't a bad thing, and sometimes the amount of exhaustion your body is in plays into these emotions, but I was not prepared to be so depressed. That just isn't me. But the last few days it was...I cried...I wanted to be alone...I wanted to have a magic wand that would make everything all better.

At some point I realized that I had to make a choice. So, my choice was to put on good music, allow myself to cry, allow myself to rest, and to call a friend who I knew would love and encourage me through this. Did these things make it all go away? NO! But I'm not as down as I was before, and I have my focus on better things. This has been really hard because I was always taught that emotions are wrong, and that if you worry or are scared about something that means you aren't trusting in God. As I have grown, and read the Bible for myself, I see these things are simply wrong. Even Jesus wept when Lazarus died (even though He knew what was coming); even Jesus got angry enough to throw over tables; even Jesus called people names (Vipers) when the situation was appropriate. So, if Jesus can experience strong emotions, then so can we.

If you are down and discouraged today maybe some of the things that have helped me will help you too. I put on good music, make a list of all the good things in my life, spend time with those who love me unconditionally (even just on the phone), and do activities that I enjoy. What are things that have helped to encourage you?